Remember how we have awesome cookie cutters but never make cookies? Well there are still things you can do with them, like make weird awesome PANCAKES!
I told Sean one night, "Sean, I've been thinking about it. I've worked out the details, and I think we can make Magic Pancakes." What are Magic Pancakes? Well: We put cutters on the pan, poured special dyed batter inside the cutter, then poured regular batter around it.
Tip: You've got to be ready to move fast. It's tricky, but fun. As usual, I am the mastermind, and Sean the executor. hmm. Implementer? Help.
Here's the first one:
I guess i could have easily just flipped the pic and no one would be the wiser, but then i couldn't tease Sean, and I never get to do that. I also could have flipped the pancake over i guess but it was all scraggly on the other side. He quickly righted his mistake with the next one:
Once upon a time i killed a cat with my friend, in her car, with her car.
I didn't say it was going to be a happy story. In fact, with sad stories, one should probably just begin by informing everyone of this, so people know what they're in for. That said, it is a pretty good story, with twists and turns and even a moral.
Once upon a time, I killed cat with my friend, in her car, with her car. We didn't mean to. We were casually driving around the bend, (<-- turn) discussing art and politics when out of the corner of my periphery, a flash of orange leapt out in front of the car. What happened next went something like this: First, simultaneous screams: AAAAAAH!!! The slamming of breaks, simultaneous gasps as we waited, and not for long: WHUMP! WHUMP!
"Ohhhhhhhh!!!" Hands up to mouths, eyes closed, and then: LAUGHLAUGHLAUGHLAUGH Note: I do not find humor in the killing of cats.
"Ohmygosssssh! What was it??" "I think it was a dog! Did we just hit a dog??" "I think it was a cat! It was orange. Ohmygosh! We just killed someone's pet!!!" LAUGHLAUGH (not funny.)
Have you ever had this happen? The resulting emotions were similar to those experienced when I've been in a car accident, or witnessed an accident or i guess any traumatic event. There's a lot of adrenalin, some shock, a bit of giddiness, and my natural inclination toward laughter. It's bizarre.
There have been few predicaments in my life where I felt i would never actually figure out what I should do. Real dilemmas, if you will, and this was one of them. What does one do? What do people do? What should we do? What would I want someone to do if it were my cat? These were the questions we asked ourselves repeatedly, and that you should too, should you ever find yourself in such a situation. I wish I had, previously.
Finally, we decided that first, we should confirm our fear. "Turn around and see if we can see it in the headlights" (turn) Sure enough, there it was, next to the curb, lying, contorted, in an unnatural position in the road (twist). (<--get it? ok no more of that) Second: what do we do now? We felt so bad leaving a dead cat in the street. I have had pet cats in my time, and they all died, like this cat here and like cats before them. One was hit in the street. One died due to injuries sustained in battle. I have only stumbled on one of my dead cats, and it wasn't something I remotely enjoyed and would have chosen another way, if given the opportunity. (It was in the window well, and at least a week later)
So we decided that secondly, we should try to find the owners and confess. We looked at the house in the direction from whence the cat flung itself to its demise, and tried there first. No answer. We walked back to the road, got soaked by the sprinklers, and tried the house next door. A man opened the door and my friend (Brooke is her name) started out by saying, "Do you have a cat?" Still somewhat hysterical, it was now that my failing contained laughter let loose, even before the man answered the question. Fortunately the cat did NOT belong to him, because my laughter could be seen as rather insensitive & offensive. I may be wrong.
Well, we hadn't thought past this point so we stood there, on his step, stupified, looking at each other and wondering what we should do next. We kindly invited the man (inadvertently) to join in on our quandary. He seemed uncomfortable but he didn't just kill a cat. Not a cat lover, he offered to scoop up the cat himself and toss it over his back fence into the ravine. Not two to shirk from duty, we declined his offer and accepted responsibility in taking care of our own messes. (ew) We also accepted his shovel, and a shallow wide cardboard box.
I took the shovel and Brooke took the box and car facing the cat, we said, "should we turn on the headlights?" "No! The less we see, the better." We approached the dead cat and I said, "now that i'm here, I don't think I can do this." Think about the logistics of this. How does one easily scoop up a cat? Without danger of making a grand mess of things. Not easily. I began to shimmy the shovel underneath the cat's girth and remarked, "Geez, why did it have to be the world's hugest cat?" LAUGHLAUGH. Our lucky day, we stumbled on a guinness book world record holder. He was a fat cat. And dead cats don't comply at all with your efforts to move them. (not funny!) I half had the shovel under it and told Brooke, "here, get the box and prop it up next to it and i'll try to roll him in."
This worked well, and Fluffy flopped into the box, lying on his back, paws resting on his belly, legs wide, tail hanging over the edge. Hushed: "Oh... it looks so peaceful..." LAUGHLAUGH
Now what do we do? We had a dead cat in a box. We decided to try the house across the street. We knocked on the door and a girl holding a baby appeared."Do you guys have a cat?""yeah...""What does it look like?""It's white and little.""Oh, ok. Goodnight."And we turned and walked away. When we went back to the street, the neighbor man's wife came home and he apparently told her the tale (HA) and she came out and told us that the house next to the one we'd just tried, did, in fact, have a big orange cat. So we sullenly sauntered to our 4th and final house. "I'll come with you" neighbor man's wife said.She stood back off the steps while Brooke and I knocked on the door and waited. Neighbor man's wife informed us they were an older couple who took care of their 3-year-old granddaughter. Brooke, shaken and upset at the prospect of telling a tiny girl her fluffy pal was flattened in a cardboard box, was worried. I tried to console her: "Brooke, these things happen... it happens all the time!" But I too was feeling regret and dreaded what we had to do. At the last minute I suggested: "Can't we just leave it on their doorstep and drive away? They'll figure out what it means..." "What?? Yeah, after they get over the initial message of 'YOUR CAT IS DEAD. YOU'RE NEXT.'" LAUGHLAUGH.
Ahhh death threat jokes are always funny. Later, when I recounted the story to my sister, she said something like, "what if the cat hadn't even belonged to them?" And it was even funnier, picturing sending someone a death threat with a dead cat that wasn't even theirs. See? Totally funny.
Well, finally the light came on and a nice man came to the door and we saw his adorable granddaughter peering around the corner. I think someone started to ask him if he had a cat when Neighbor Man's Wife said, "Hey Bob.. is Lucky in?" "No, he isn't..." he said. Uh oh. Sure enough, it was his cat. We told him we hit it and we were very sorry and he said "oh no... well, let me get my shoes." And he told us he'd go down and get it and we could leave. We said goodbye and thanks to Neighbor Man's Wife and on the way to the car, I somberly said, "Ah man...she knew the cat's name." "Lucky..." *pause* "Lucky wasn't so lucky tonight..." LAUGHLAUGHLAUGH.
Still freaking out somewhat, on the drive home, Brooke lamented the dead cat and her bad luck and a week gone horribly awry. Again, as one might shake a friend who's out of control, i, also freaking out, told her sternly, "BROOKE. Lucky.. was dumb. Lucky.. was slow. It was his time to die. It was just his time!!" LAUGHLAUGH.
Aaaand, that's pretty much the end of the story. Moral: um... try not to kill cats. Faretheewell, Lucky. We took your 9th life, and we are sorry. RIP.
My sister's friend is registered on a networking/singles website. Apparently on this one you can see who's viewed your profile in a reverse stalking sort of way. I guess she viewed this guy's profile and he wrote a message to her. Clearly he is foreign. I think she said he was from Pakistan or something? I can't remember. But take a read and you might want to use the restroom first.
dear hey yours face shames the slpendour of the moon.yours eyes surface the beauty of the lotus. yours complexion outshines even the luster of glod. yours thick hair are blacker than the bee. yours brest make us forget the twin domes on the forehead of an elephant. yours roundedhips and a sweet voice theseare yours natural ornaments. what can be more beautiful for the lover to looks at, that the faceof the antelope-eyed smling at him with unchecked passion. the ture object of amorous intercouse is the uniting of the hearts of the two participants in it: and when this end is not accomplished, the union resenbles merely the contact of the two cropses. you are like ariver: for the lines of yours body resemble the waves. yoursa breasts represent the duck swimming on the surface. the bed of the river is dangerous. its the bottomless passion, a blinding driving forces of voluptuosness, becaused i do not wish to be drowned. thanks for vist my profile
The following are pictures of 3 things purchased that have been or might be mistaken as items originally intended for the baby but were, in fact, meant for ME. Remember how I'm 13? Well sometimes I'm 3, too. And you bet Julian and I will be fighting over these things when he's old enough. But let this blog post be evidence as to the rightful owner.
Sean and I each selected cookie cutters. It's funny because it wasn't the first time we carefully examined an assortment of cookie cutters before making our selection, and because we make sugar cookies approximately once a never. Still, they're fun. Here is what I chose, of course. A friend was with us at the time pre-julian's birth, and had known of our leaning towards Julian as a name. When he asked if it was for him, i was like, what, are you kidding? No, it's mine! Obviously.
Words are insufficient to describe the love and adoration I hold for my robot cup. I'm a little bit possessive about it. And maybe a little bit possessed. I feel a little bit like Lenny. Good thing it's made of melamine and will never break. I wish I could say the same about kittens.
Aaanyway, it comes in a set and oh how i wish i'd bought them all. (And I can't do it now.. for some reason.) (sidenote: say, doesn't someone have a birthday coming up?)
I love spoons. A lot, a lot. Sometimes, no thing (or "nothing" some might say) can delight me more than a spoon. I added this adorable one to my collection and that same friend said, "aww.. for the little guy.." and i was like, "...or for yogurt..." In fact, I just ate a pudding cup using it. (Penny for scale)
There are probably more things but I think that will suffice for now.
Sean and I have been going to the Armory show pretty much ever since we moved here. At least 4 times, i think. I didn't go last year but he did, and we all got to reunite this year & introduce it to Julian. Because i know my blog is a hub for culture and high quality reading/viewing, I'm going to give you an e-exhibit of our favorites, or the ones we got pictures of.
To review: The Armory Show is a big fat art exhibit that takes place every year on 2 long piers on the Hudson. They build a structure with a roof and there are little cubicle-type things inside, each showing a sampling of art from galleries around the world. I remarked one year that it is reminiscent of a science fair, and everyone brings their most crazy, sparkly, shocking pieces. What a spectacle.
Here we go!
First, we saw this on our walk to the piers. Another urban fossil.
We looked at this painting first. Sean and a friend really liked this but i wasn't a fan. I like op-art but i don't like things that make my eyeballs burn, usually. I guess it must have been spray paint, which is kind of fun. But at the armory, i am a quick and ruthless art critic. I have to be. There's so much to see.
Here is Sean by some art that he liked.
Here is a more head-on pic. He did one like this once, long ago, before we met i think. It was like a super pixelated picture of a cow head. I could see it easier if i was 20 feet away or took off my glasses. Sean's so ahead of his time.
I liked this one. Can you see me? the stroller blanket? my boot?
Why, what is this? Did we somehow stumble onto a ship in the harbor? The Intrepid, perhaps? Looking through a magic porthole, or "portal" to another dimension?
No. It's just a regular porthole. On the wall.
I thought this one was delightful. I'm not sure what these were made of. Sean is better with materials. But they were these vase/urn things, as you can see, each painted a color. And i loved the way the multiple facets & the reflecting light gave us all these different shades.
Sean! How did you get stuck in that sculpture?
Oh, it's not Sean. Just a replica of a man with his exact body type. Not to mention love of gray.
And a brief break to feed the baby.
Oh my. This was probably the weirdest thing there. A cow on a cougar on a.. what, a rooster? pheasant? i can't tell what that is.
Lastly, these were my faves. I mean, really. How delightful.
Sean brought the Easter egg of all Easter eggs again this year. It's almost the same as last year's, but a little different. And just as amazing. We thought you'd like to see the live show.
Man, this is a holiday that has so much potential, and yet every year when it comes, i got nothin'. It's sad. I really would be a prankster at heart if I could just remember.
Here are a few of the pranks I can remember, as well as favorites of others.
The only thing i can really remember doing on April Fool's Day is putting saran wrap on the toilet. But even then the details are sketchy. Did I really do that? I don't even know for sure. But I know that I, or someone in my family, put a rubber band around the spray nozzle on the sink so whoever turned on the sink got sprayed in the face. That's a good one.
I really used to love to scare people. It's so easy. Just hide around the corner when you know they're coming and jump out and yell. Growling & using your limbs in a fearsome manner also helps achieve maximum results. My sister was my favorite victim back in the day. I swear, i don't know how many times I used to hide around the corner on the steps, prime position for someone exiting the bathroom. How many times did i do this? How many times did it work? Seriously, so many times. The best is when you can ignite someone's whole body reflexes. So when you scare them, they not only scream or yell in a funny way, they jerk wildly, arms and legs flailing. Oh man, that's so good.
Sean really hates getting scared like that. Problem is, I love it. But it comes at a price. His reflexes are way too wild and out of control. Read more here.
I need to think more about this but I want to post before more time passes today. I should probably save this for Mother's Day but it's just so good, and one of my fondest memories of all time.
My mom is great. She's the funniest lady. I really love her, like a lot. And not just because she's my mom and you're supposed to love your mom. She just makes me laugh and when I go home to visit she is a major highlight for me. Well, a couple of years ago occurred the best prank ever.
It was Christmastime, and snow was on the ground. My sister Ashley and i were in the living room chatting, when all of a sudden, we hear my mom's alarmed voice yell to Ashley: "ASH! OW! HELP!" It's super urgent and we are scared my mom's fallen in the snow and gotten hurt or something. Ashley hurriedly runs to the door and when she opens it, FWAP! Ashley is hit with a snowball. AH HA HA HA HA! Ohhh man. I think i've told this story a hundred million times and am surprised i haven't (I don't think) yet told it here. Ohhh it just makes me smile a lot when i think about it. My mom feigned injury to lure my sister outside to get a snowball in the face. :D :D :D. It's one of those moments when you could have died right then and there and be happy, having lived a wonderful satsifying life.
So, anyway. Since my list of pranks is pretty pathetic, i was wondering if any of you have any good ones to share. I'd like to praise you and also maybe steal your ideas before the day is out. Happy April 1st!
I was typing an email this morning and typed this word. Could. And i looked at it and was like.. oh my.. lands.What is this word?? It looks like nonsense! Could?? Coold? Cowld? Am i trying to type (i just typed tryping-hahaa. thanks brain) cold?? Nonsense!
Sometimes i enjoy these brain refreshers, being able to see something common or unnoticed in a new light, with new eyes. But sometimes i am unnerved because what ELSE is there that is totally bizarre-o that is escaping my notice??
1. Despite all my mockery, sometimes i think i would become a vegetarian if i wasn't so lazy about having to come up with things for dinner. Or maybe i would just be a fair-weather vegetarian. A vegetarian when i want to eat well and a carnivore when i need a good steak. And to remember my dinosaur roots.
2. You know those word verification boxes some people have on their blogs? You have to type in this nonsense word so they know it's a real person. It is my hope, my dream, that one day I will come across a word verification word that is a real word, backwards. I check it every time i think one looks promising. Nothing so far. I feel like they're teasing me. But i'll not give up hope, no not ever!
3. Consider this: I live in urbia, in an apartment. My apartment is on the ground floor. I am reminded of this when a person rings the bell at 7:30am when i'm in my bedroom, undressed and unprepared/unwilling to come to the door, especially because i know it's not for me or someone i want to direct elsewhere, and instead of leaving, the person tap tap taps on my bedroom window. Think about that. What if some solicitor or whatever tapped on your bedroom window while you were in your pjs in your bed? Ahhh.. i start to feel a liiiittle bit claustrophobic.
4. I need to eat more vegetables. If I've gotten out of the habit, mostly because I'm laze-arific, after a while my body starts whimpering "veggies please.. oh please.." (it doesn't have a super loud voice) Anyway, i kind of like eating the same things for breakfast and lunch.. i mean, not as each other, but the same thing every day. It's more convenient and it keeps me from eating a bag of gummi bears for lunch.. most of the time. Anyway, so my new goal is, for lunch: a pear with cheese and/or a whole bag o' vegetables. We bought a bushel of frozen vegetables and i really couldn't be more pleased. Especially when i inadvertently eat the same thing for lunch as the baby. And then i excitedly yell in his face, "HEY! I'm having greenbeans TOO!" and he gives me that awkward/nervous smile to show he appreciates my enthusiasm but has no idea why the hey.
5. The phrase "super loud voice" from point 4 reminded me of something. I used to tutor English at this lovely place downtown and I had a partner who was Japanese and, despite our cultural differences and the many language barriers, I'm pretty sure is kind of a soul friend. We had a ton in common and we used to laaaaugh and laugh while we'd look around the room at other tutoring partnerships that were quiet, awkward, and stale, saying things like "what are your favorite things about New York?"
Anyway, i also taught a class at this place. While tutoring and teaching, i would do my best to teach what words or phrases that were actually commonly said in everyday American English. Also, I would just use my own personal slang and not do much to alter it. It made me quite aware of the very many times I use the word "lame." Anywho, one of my slang words is using "super" as a form of "very." Well, my tutoring partner told me she had an additional tutor with whom she met on another day, who was an older lady--irrelevant, but just a bit of info. Apparently, one day Tomoko, my friend, was chatting with this woman and Tomo used "super" as I do in a sentence something like, "It is super sad..." about a sad movie or something. (pride!) The woman was startled, confused, and admonished Tomoko somewhat saying, "Super? Super?? What is that? Super?" HAHAHA. At first i just laughed and laughed and apologized for teaching her crappy English, but she told me she wanted to learn how to speak how the "young cool Americans speak," which is exactly what i am. So, you're welcome Tomo. Man, i miss her.
In an article i read the other day about a girl who rowed solo across the atlantic:
Spotz did see sharks. She was splashed by dolphins as big as her boat. Fish leapt and slapped her in the face, and exhausted birds nestled beside her as she rowed.
Every spring, everyone's hearts melt along with the snow. People are happy to be alive again. And people feel alive again. And I am reminded of one particular attribute of this great town and it is the "we're all in this together" feeling we share. This pertains to many things, one of which (no surprise), is the weather. We all have our own coping strategies. Some people go someplace warm. Some people hole up and blog their confessions. Others bake up a storm. Most, if not all, go slightly insane. But when the weather turns, we are all drawn to it like magnet flies to a magnetic flame.
This week it hit 60 degrees and there was sparkly sunshine everywhere. I love that initial break of the weather because it's that precious time when people are happy, almost giddy, stopping just short of whistling Zip-a-dee-doo-dah & high-fiving the mailman, and we share glances that could equate a conversation like this:
i'm SO glad the spring is coming, aren't you? yes, I couldn't take one more day of the cold i swear if it snows again i'll plunge myself into the gowanus for real. hey, i like your jacket. thanks, your baby's cute. i know, right?
These are meaningful interactions, taking place on the cusp of the season change. It's the golden moment before people forget how happy they are about the sun and beautiful spring and start disgruntling about their favorite things to disgruntle.We love to be out with the masses to share these moments. I do. It's an attribute of the city that makes it unique. I was talking with a friend the other day about suburbia vs. city life and the constant battle of "do we move or do we stay?" as city living gets harder and harder with each passing day/child. (she has 3) We even discussed how we'd maybe settle for living in a tiny town outside a big city. Some old quaint village perhaps (because we live in 1877). She said, "But even then, i visited one once north of here and stayed with friends and people don't leave their houses. We went out and no one was outside. It was weird! I think I would really miss that."
And it's true. The human interaction is why we love it here, along with the fun things to see & do, the museums to remind us of important things, and the glorious glorious food, etc etc etc. We love it here and we hate it here and we love to hate it here. That is how it is. Anyone living here for a decent chunk of time will tell you this. When i was out today, exchanging happy glances with fellow passersby, I reflected on this & the chat with my friend, and how it is different. Growing up my family used to vacation to Lake Powell. We'd find a secluded beach and hope to high heaven no one would come want to be friendly neighbors. We would send out scouts, and make someone spread out rafts and chairs and stake out the beach while the slow-going houseboat made its way there. Seriously we were beach nazis and would glare and snarl at people if they got too close. Now, I still think i'd prefer a secluded family vacation at LP. But i can understand why people, especially those used to a more shoulder-rubbing way of life, wouldn't mind or would even seek out some new friends on their trip. I observed this as a change of view or perspective. It was interesting.
So, on this eve of the equinox, i wish us a happy transition. May our budding souls blossom with every spring in our step & whistle on our face.
A while back, I was reading an online article about the snow storm that hit the DC area. Here's a quote. Guess what my favorite part is? (it won't be difficult)
"D.C. traditionally panics when it comes to snow. This time, it may be more justifiable than most times," said Becky Shipp, who was power-walking Friday in Arlington, Va.
Sometimes before the nap, I hold Julian in my lap and we watch some YouTube videos. Today we were feeling like some Magnetic Fields. I was holding him, typing in the address and as I got to "t..u..b...e" I was simultaneously saying (distracted, due to the typing), "want to listen to the Book of Lub..?" and it made me laugh. And he laughed, and I laughed again, and then we watched the awesome video. I wish everything in my life was stop motion.
Hi, I'm Jen. I'm married to Sean and we live in Brooklyn. Sean is an artist and I am a philanthropist. Yep, helping mankind. It's what i do. I like to post here my thoughts, blatherings and adventures I have here in the city. Sometimes they're fun to read. Sometimes they're kind of stale. Oh well. Cheers!
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